I like watching curling. I love eating cheese curls. But, I really really really love Jheri Curls. I’ve never actually been brave enough to rock a Jheri Curls, but lucky for us, there are plenty of people who have lubed up their locks over the years. Having “skull pubes” is a ballsy decision (no pun intended). Your BP inspired do may make you the coolest guy in the room or the greasiest joke since The KFC Double Down.
Over the years, many have attempted, but only a select few have succeeded with the “curl.” So, without any further ado, I present to you the nominees for the 2010 Jheri Curl Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, as the made-up rules dictate, only one CURLER will be admitted to The JCHoF in each of the following five categories:
Athletic Curl – Pedro Martinez vs. Deion Sanders
Pedro Martinez is an 8 time All-Star. Deion Sanders has taken his Jheri Curl to the World Series, and the Superbowl… twice. Both men are tremendous athletes, and they both got their hair curlier then a 1970’s vagina; but since we are talking about the prestigious JCHoF, we gotta hand it to the guy who was actually spotted with the JC in the last few years… by choice. Sorry, “Prime Time,” maybe Next Time.
Musical Curl – Rick James vs. Michael Jackson
One of them is a “Super Freak.” The other one is Rick James. These two late musical icons have left behind millions of fans, thousands of hit songs and who knows how many grease stained pillow cases all around the globe. The only thing tighter then their songs were their curls (and sometimes their pants). Choosing between these two “Jheri Jesusus” is almost as difficult as washing a batch of Jheri Juice out of your scalp. But, The King of Pop has had enough attention this year, so congrats to Rick James…Bitch!
TV Curl – Kenny Powers vs. AC Slater
K.P. vs A.C. in an epic battle of getting girls and making curls. Kenny Powers is known as “The White Flame,” and became the hero of “some village in Mexico.” AC Slater is known as “Absolutely Charming” and became the hero of Bayside High. Powers made it to the pros, while Slater only got as far as a wresting scholarship to “Iowa [Zack $10]” will get you. What’s most surprising about these long lost hermanos is that they both got chicks, even with spandex down low and Jheri Curl up top. This is a tough call, but sorry AC, You’re Fuckin’ Out!
Tiny Shorts Curl – Richard Simmons vs. Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka
Only on The Smoking Jacket will you get Richard Simmons and “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka in a curly head to curly head battle for a spot in our 2010 Jheri Curl Hall of Fame. Although, Richard (or “Dick” as he prefers) spends much of his time sweating to the oldies, he’s got much more than just perspiration and man-goo in his fro. Meanwhile, Jimmy Snuka was the first ever ECW Heavyweight Champion, despite having the short and curlies popping out of both of his heads. Simmons or Snuka? “Superfly” or “Supergay”? Tiny Shorts or Tinier Shorts? Welcome to the Hall, Jimmy Snuka! It’s nothing personal, Richard, you are just too fat.
Cinematic Curl – Randy Watson vs. Jules Winnfield
Randy Watson and his “Sexual Chocolate” are a stiff and slippery competitor for Jules Winnfield and his Jheri Burns. Both Pulp Fiction and Coming To America had to budget extra for oil drums full of Soul Glo, but only one of these big screen curl-busters added human brain into the equation. Turns out that Brad’s “big” brain doesn’t mix well with Jules’s Jheri. Congrats, Randy Watson. Making into our Hall is truly ‘The Greatest Love of All.”
A hearty congratulations to all of the 2010 inductees into The Jheri Curl Hall of Fame.
May your legacy live forever,
Your teeth remain pearly
And most important of all
KEEP THAT HAIR CURLY!
Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. Follow Kevin on Twitter @TheKevinKlein.
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